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Friday 21 March 2014


As I stand in the washroom each morning dressing, I look in the mirror and see a body that is, in my mind, substantially larger than it once was.  It isn’t - really.  Over the course of this year, I have probably gained 15-20, though I wear it better than I once did.  Possibly, because I choose clothing that fits better, or perhaps this is my body changing like my therapist keeps threatening will happen.  Either way, it is there, staring back at me each morning.  I feel like I am the biggest I have ever been. (Though, if you were to see me, you probably wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. But I know.)

This is an area I haven’t really talked much about, even with my therapist (there have been so many more pressing matters, that this seems insignificant… at least until now).  Among my other issues, I have body image problems.  Since I started this experiment, they have been improving.  I look in the mirror and have good things to say to the person I see.  I like who I am and how I present myself.  Even when the weight started to build, I was okay.  My therapist had said it was normal to gain weight through this process and eventually it will all come off again.  I trust her implicitly – when I’m not doubting her.  Either way, she has always ended up being right.

The first 5 pounds had little effect. 10 started to be noticeable, but I figured I would round out there.  Now at 15 or 20 (these are all approximations, I gave up having a scale years ago for reasons that will be explained shortly), the dialogue has changed.  I look at myself each morning and see a fat person.  I think “gah, you’re fat.”  I’m not.  Not even really close, not even what you would call plump.  But that is beside the point, I see a fat person and that is what I am telling myself.

Now, I’m fighting desperately to change that conversation, but it is difficult and it is ingrained in much deeper sources than just body image.  I still think I have a nice body.  I know (on a conscious level) that I’m not overweight.  I’m hoping that sharing this struggle will help.  Much like with the rest of this blog, it may give me some external accountability.  If I can’t convince myself to change my thinking, perhaps making it an expectation from my readers that I need to achieve will.