Faithful readers will recall that I have a habit of
falling for emotionally unavailable men (The Ex, Kryptonite, anyone that I have
gone out with more than 3 times…). Since
the new year, I have had a lot of time to ponder and explore the reasons for
this. In Feb/March, it dawned on me that
perhaps I am the one who is emotionally unavailable. Those who know me well said, “well, duh!” But to me, this was a revelation. It had never occurred to me that maybe it was
me.
So, I decided to try an experiment.
I rejoined the online dating world (as I do every 3 months or so, with
no success). This time I laid it all on
the line:
Strong, confident
woman with commitment issues seeking friends-with-benefits-type relationship
with intelligent, attractive man with a sense of humour. Apply within.
I got a pretty good response, but to my surprise every
single one of my dates cancelled at the last minute – there were 6 in one week. I had no idea what was happening. That is what triggered all my abandonment
issues and brought my feelings towards my mother to light, but that is a
different post.
Now, I see what happened.
I wasn’t ready to commit, so I came across as someone easily
dismissed. Also, my goal wasn’t to have
a bunch of random dudes that I slept with.
I wanted one person that I slept with regularly with no pressure to develop
things into anything more than a close friendship. It has not been until my most recent bout of
online dating that I have finally been able to answer the question of “what do
I want?”
What do I want?
This is a question that has been plaguing me for quite some time. My friends, family, coworkers and therapist
keep asking it, to the point where I get immediately defensive when I hear
it. My response has always been “I don’t
know!” But, as part of my therapy work
(and a relationship with a friend that uses that phrase for every question you
ask him), I have made a commitment to remove it from my vocabulary when
referring to emotions. At this point in
my process, I do know what I want. The
words may not come easily, or be easy to say, but I know.
I want a relationship that has the space to develop at
the pace I need it to (aka molasses in winter). This is when the tattoos on my
wrists came back to haunt me. The longer
I have them, the more meaning they seem to hold. I have trust issues. This is why I have to have it permanently
etched on my body in a place where I can see it all the time. To remind me that it is okay to trust;
people, the universe, life. It takes a
long time for me to trust and when I start to feel myself becoming vulnerable
to another person (or feel that person allowing themselves to become vulnerable
to me), my flight mechanism takes control and I want to run for the hills (and
usually do). The best example of this
was with the only successful online dating experience I have had. It was with a guy I shall call, Irish. (Side Note: We are still good friends and for
two years he has lamented that he has never been mentioned in this blog, so he
will be happy to finally have his story told.)
Irish and I hit it off like wildfire.
Everything was going really well, but he had just moved to the country
and didn’t know many people and I could see that he was beginning to invest
quickly in our relationship. I was into
it, but I had to move slowly. Everything
inside was telling me to run, so it took all I had to just stay where we
were. This caused “issues”. It all culminated one night at a concert
where we got into a big fight which ended in tears and him leaving. Ultimately, I was crying because I couldn’t
understand where I took the wrong turn that resulted in being 32 years old and crying
over a boy at an emo concert for a band named Issues (I had taken my niece and
her friend to the concert). The main “issue”
was he wanted to be more involved and I said I needed more time. Not really sure how that resulted in breaking
up, but it did. We laugh about it now.
This is, at heart, the same story for all the “nice” boys
I’ve dated. They fall fast and I
run. Hence, the appeal of the
emotionally unavailable man. That is a
relationship where I am in control. They
don’t fall fast, so I can take as long as I please to become invested. The trouble is that they stay uncommitted. So, what is it I want?
My other tattoo answered my question. I want to be tamed. I’m scared.
The idea of a relationship, though, in theory, is appealing, mainly fills
me with anxiety. I can feel the stress
rising even typing about it. The tattoo
on my right wrist is the fox from Le
Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.
When the Little Prince meets the fox, the fox asks the Little Prince to
tame him. He explains, “You have to be very patient. First you’ll
sit down a little ways away from me, over there, in the grass. I’ll watch you out of the corner of my eye,
and you won’t say anything. Language is
the source of misundestandings. But day
by day, you’ll be able to sit a little closer…” That pretty much sums it up. As much as I heal, there is a part of me that
will always be that abused little girl, afraid to let anyone close. The only way to overcome that is through
quiet patience. Ultimately, it would be
nice to find someone who is just as scared as I am, so we can move slowly
closer, together. That way we would
understand when the other gets a little spooked.
So, that’s that. After
34 years, I am finally able to put words to what I want. It’s not fairy tales, it’s not a prince, it’s
not big wild romance. It’s quiet, it’s
simple and it is slow. Now, to find my
fox… maybe he’ll be silver. *wink*
