Recently, I have been feeling particularly sorrowful at night. I have spent a lot of time trying to find what it is, to limited avail. Today, after some self-love, a thought came to mind, “I miss Kryptonite.” (Faithful readers will remember Kryptonite was the person I was seeing just prior to the start of My Year Without Sex in 2013.) I went back through old pictures to see if it was him that I was missing or what he represents. Happily, it was what he represented. I miss real physical intimacy with a partner.
Kryptonite and I met while we were working together in 2007 and had an instant connection. We maintained a distant friendship over the years, and in 2013 reconnected after both coming out of long-term relationships. Our connection was magic and we quickly entered into a sexual relationship. It is only now that I realize, he was the only person since The Ex that I have been able to be both physically and emotionally intimate with. It is that relationship I miss.
The tough part of is that those type of relationships don’t come along every day. They take time and energy to build. So, even if the right person were to walk into my life today, I am still months (even years) away from the connection I’m seeking. It’s a wee bit disheartening. And, here comes my pessimist for a moment, every day that passes that I don’t meet that person, is one day further away from what I’m seeking.
I know, I know, it could be that I’m one day closer to my match, but honestly, sometimes I just need to revel in the sadness for a bit, so please keep your happy, optimistic comments at bay. The truth is, not compromising yourself is lonely. Intimately lonely. I have many deep, personal connections with people, but it’s different. When I go to bed at night, I want it to be in the arms of someone I love. I know that love is worth waiting for, but until then, it’s lonely. So, sometimes I cry. Sometimes I sob. Sometimes I get frustrated with the world and scream. But, eventually, I sleep. I face a new day. And I wait. I have yet to be able to predict any of the magic that has happened in my life. It could be today. It could be never. I wait. I sit in the loneliness. It sucks.