Recently, I have been feeling particularly sorrowful at
night. I have spent a lot of time trying
to find what it is, to limited avail.
Today, after some self-love, a thought came to mind, “I miss
Kryptonite.” (Faithful readers will
remember Kryptonite was the person I was seeing just prior to the start of My
Year Without Sex in 2013.) I went back
through old pictures to see if it was him that I was missing or what he
represents. Happily, it was what he
represented. I miss real physical
intimacy with a partner.
Kryptonite and I met while we were working together in
2007 and had an instant connection. We
maintained a distant friendship over the years, and in 2013 reconnected after
both coming out of long-term relationships.
Our connection was magic and we quickly entered into a sexual
relationship. It is only now that I
realize, he was the only person since The Ex that I have been able to be both
physically and emotionally intimate with.
It is that relationship I miss.
The tough part of is that those type of
relationships don’t come along every day.
They take time and energy to build.
So, even if the right person were to walk into my life today, I am still
months (even years) away from the connection I’m seeking. It’s a wee bit disheartening. And, here comes my pessimist for a moment,
every day that passes that I don’t meet that person, is one day further away
from what I’m seeking.
I know, I know, it could be that I’m one day closer to my
match, but honestly, sometimes I just need to revel in the sadness for a bit,
so please keep your happy, optimistic comments at bay. The truth is, not compromising yourself is
lonely. Intimately lonely. I have many deep, personal connections with
people, but it’s different. When I go to
bed at night, I want it to be in the arms of someone I love. I know that love is worth waiting for, but
until then, it’s lonely. So, sometimes I
cry. Sometimes I sob. Sometimes I get frustrated with the world and
scream. But, eventually, I sleep. I face a new day. And I wait.
I have yet to be able to predict any of the magic that has happened in
my life. It could be today. It could be never. I wait.
I sit in the loneliness. It
sucks.