As I lay in bed on the morning of New Year’s Day, I
realized that I am 8 days away from six months of no sex (I did the math). I laughed at this, because I remember how
difficult the first six months were when I started “My Year Without Sex” and
now it just kind of happened without my noticing. I thought about joining Tinder, just to find a
“friends with benefits” situation, but even that was met with a big NOPE by the
voices that control my brain. It seems
that 2016 will be the year of the Cat Nun.
What has led to this self-imposed pseudo-accidental celibacy?
Well, let me tell you!
It is self-esteem. But, how is
that a thing? Shouldn’t that help your
dating life? NOPE. I did all this
amazing work on myself and feel self-assured, confident and worthy… and now I
have no sex life. For most of my life, I
was only worth what a man would give me.
I my self-esteem was measured by whether a man was attracted to me or if
I could get him to sleep with me. Now, I
don’t need that validation. In fact, I
don’t need a man (or woman) at all. I’m happy
on my own until I meet someone who can match me in my new-found power. Hence, the barren wasteland that is now my
love life – I’m still searching.
(I wish someone had told me this would be a thing three
years ago, there were a bunch of people I would have loved to sleep with during
that time! Jokes… kind of…)
For my group therapy intensive in November, we had to
bring in a song that describes where we are at in our process. My choice was Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler:
I need a hero; I don’t have room in my life for anything
less. So what exactly does this man look
like?
He is a man who can match my strength, instead of being
intimidated by it. A man who can meet me
at my most grounded and confident. It’s
a man who is not afraid to take a look at himself and expose his vulnerability. He is a man that will share the good and bad
in his life without making me responsible for it. A man who owns his choices and moves
confidently through his life in the direction of his passions. A man who can say how he feels honestly. A man who doesn’t hide, even the parts he may
not like himself. A man who doesn’t need
me to make his life better, but wants me, because I do make his life
better. A man who doesn’t shy away from
my bigness, but instead can meet me with his own. So far, it’s been hard to find.
My friends tell me that I’m looking for a unicorn. I say that’s why I’ve become a Cat Nun. This doesn’t mean that I’ve closed myself off
to the possibility of a relationship. In
fact, shortly after making this declaration (hours later), a man that I have
been secretly-not-so-secretly in love with opened his heart to me (which messed
me up for many weeks afterwards). He’s
not in a place to acknowledge his feelings, but he did show me what a unicorn
looked like. He taught me they are out
there and I can find one. I just need to
be patient. That’s my challenge for 2016
– patience.
Some friends have suggested “toning it down” at the start
of a relationship in order to avoid scaring a man away. To this I responded, if he scares so easily,
it’s not going to work. I spent many
years diminishing myself for the sake of a partner and I’ve come too far to do
it again, even a little. No one should
ever have to be less than they are for a relationship. That is a relationship destined for failure. I won’t be part of one. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that
alone is better than almost right.
I don’t know what the future holds. I hope that one day I will have sex
again. From what I remember, I really
like it. It’s pretty awesome,
actually. But, then there is the part of
me that knows I’m worth something, my body is worth something, and I don’t want
to give that away to just anyone. I want
whoever it is I sleep with to actually see me.
To see how special I am, because chances are, if I’m willing to have sex
with them, it’s because I see how special they are, too. I can’t have it be empty anymore. I need something more. That’s why I’m holding out for a hero.
It’s going to take a superman to sweep me off my feet. ;)
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