COUNTDOWN BLUES #3

280 days left!  As I sit here in my hobbit-hole of an apartment and finish putting my clothes away for the day, more than anything I'm thankful for this time on my own.  I try to picture life living with another person and can't imagine it.  I love my little space with everything exactly where I want it.  I love making the food I want to eat (no matter how bizarre - tonight's dinner was zesty tuna salad on a bed of spicy baked beans and corn - let me know if you want any of the recipes).  This makes me wonder if maybe the reason I'm not having any luck with dating (obviously not currently, but previously) is because I don't truly want to be in a relationship.  Perhaps (crazy as it sounds) I'm just happy being on my own.  Now, I still miss the sex.  Boy, do I ever miss the sex.  But, maybe I'm not actually looking for a relationship.  While out to brunch with girlfriends, I would commonly remark that I wish I could find a monogamous sex partner, to which they would reply "that's a boyfriend".  But that's not what I mean.  I would be content having a really great male friend that has a ton of the same interests as me and who I sleep with 4 times a week (on average) and then we go about our separate lives in our separate apartments.  Maybe that is what dating is, but I want this with no pressure to progress any further (at least at this moment).  I like my life.  I'm not ready to get married or move in or have rules, limits or expectations put on me.  Who knows, maybe this is because I haven't met the right guy (or because it's "rainy season", so I'm not feeling particularly sexual). And we all know that as soon I meet a guy, I'll be planning the wedding in seconds.  I really wish that I could figure out how to turn off Girl Brain and just stay in this awesome state of appreciation for my independent life.  Maybe this would prevent me from turning all weird when faced with a potential mate.  And really, I'm pretty awesome (trust me, I spend a lot of time with my self)!  There is no reason that a man should not want to be with me, but when I meet one I'm attracted to, suddenly my brain turns to mush and I can't behave like a regular human being anymore.  Hopefully, this year will help me tame my Girl Brain enough that I can function around attractive men.  But, if not, I am considering a career as a professional crazy cat lady.  I'm on my way...  

THIS WEEK IN THERAPY: DADDY ISSUES

This week in therapy we began to delve into the world of “Daddy Issues”.  Like most girls/people, I have unresolved issue with my father and my therapist, like the jerk that she is (just kidding, I love her!  She is amazing!!!!), is making me face them and deal with them – the nerve!

As you may know from my profile in The Subject, I had my first contact with my father when I was 11 years old.  Up to that point, he had been a fantasy in my mind.  I thought about him constantly as a child.  He didn’t come up much, but I knew a little about him.  I knew that he had a new family and I had three brothers.  He lived in Ontario, but not close enough to visit easily (especially without a car).  He was born in New Brunswick and met my mother in Oshawa, where they both worked.  We kept in touch with his mother and she always sent very nice letters and Christmas cards.  Though I never met her in person, she never forgot about me and I felt such warmth and love whenever I received something from her.  I was her granddaughter and I was important to her.

WEEK #8 - DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY GIRL BRAIN. DEFINITELY.

Okay, so girl brain is on overload. My brain has exploded into a frenzy of activity and I feel like I have Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man living up there - he likes me, definitely, definitely likes me. "But whom?" - you may be asking yourself. And also, if you haven't already thought it, you should: what do you care if a guy likes you, aren't you on a year without sex? All very good questions. I've started a new job (remember, I'm a private contractor, I start new jobs a lot) and there happens to be a man there that is particularly attractive (in the handsome but dorky sort of way to which I find myself particularly drawn). At first I didn't take too much notice, but after a couple weeks of work, I feel like he might be flirting(?) / interested(?), oh, who knows?! I do know that every time I glance his way, he is staring back, and in my classic fashion, I get all flustered, blush and turn away. Yes, because I can't talk/interact/or even look at cute men. BUT... I'm on a year without sex and that is supposed to fix this.  Well, turns out, that habit is much harder to break than expected. I'm also nearing the 2 months mark, which, if you refer to my Hypothesis, is my forecast breaking point (do I know myself or what?!). 

WEEKS #3-7 - OUT OF WONDERLAND & INTO THE FIRE...

Wow! Time just flew by while working out of town. In Week #2, I mentioned that my partner had to leave the contract we were working on and I was alone in Wonderland... well, that was the truth. Weeks 3-7 were quite the ride, so much so that I barely had a moment to catch my breath, let alone write. I was essentially on call 24 hours a day and up until the very last moment fires were blazing all around me. 

I had executives getting sick, storming out of meetings and leaving the contract early, continuous training of replacements while trying to get the contract completed on schedule, difficult clients with unrealistic expectations and finally (or so I thought) the woman who was the lead presenter on the project got into a spat with one of the executives and decided to leave before the final presentation. Awful! Then... then, with 10 minutes left in the final presentation (so close to being free and clear of the woes of Wonderland), then I get a text that one of my friends (actually, a friend of The Local that I had been hanging out with over the 5 weeks I was up there), well, he had died that night in a freak accident. I had just hung out with him on Tuesday. This was Thursday. Devastation. I needed to go home.

COUNTDOWN BLUES #2

So it has officially been over 2 months and this evening at midnight the countdown clock will turn over to 299 days to go!!!!  It's finally almost here!!!  I don't need to look at 300+ days anymore.  My therapist was asking me today "why is this switch so important" and I don't think I could give her a truly convincing reply.  It's just that 300+ days seems like too little time has passed (when it feels like such a long time).  It is too close to the start.  Less than 300 seems like progress.  I'm gaining distance and moving towards the end goal.  65 days in!  I was talking about the process with Kryptonite this week (yes, I'm still pretending that we can be just friends) and he commented on how it seemed like it had been so much longer.  Thanks!  I hadn't noticed.  It feels like it has been years already, but alas, it has only been 2 months.  *sigh*  The itch is starting...  oh goodness!  THE ITCH!!!

WEEK #2 - THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE CRAZY!

Well, it’s been quite the ride so far.  It was a crazy week.  I think the new theme of this year is “even if I wanted to, I don’t have a second to think about sex.”  It’s making the transition much easier.  (Though, I do acknowledge that it is only week 2 – hardly anything to sneeze at yet!)

I’m still really liking the whole not dating thing.  It’s really fulfilling in an unexpected way.  I just never need to concern myself with what a partner might be thinking or feeling.  After 31 years of having my Girl Brain running at full tilt, it’s nice to give it a vacation.  The level of crazy has also decreased and I’m more able to let the crazy of other roll off my back. 

Now, to totally contradict myself, there were nights this week that a nice friendly stress-release sexual encounter would not have gone amiss.  My partner at work had a family emergency out of the country that took her away for the rest of the contract this past Thursday.  That was a rough day.  I felt terribly alone knowing she was gone.  Most of the week was spent doing damage control and looking for a replacement (the project is way too big to do on my own).  We managed to find someone to come in and cover the first 5 days and then another to cover the last 2.5 weeks.  Though we found fantastic people to come in, it was not the same.  My partner and I had done this contract together before and know the pitfalls, as well, we work incredibly well together.  When she left, I had to step into her role, but still cover most of my own.  She usually takes on the more hands on parts of the project and I deal with all the back-office things.  It was quite the blow to have her leave.  Not to mention how heart wrenching it was to watch her suffering the last few days she was here, frantically trying to prepare enough so I wouldn’t be left in a lurch, when she should have been with her family.  All-in-all, it was very emotionally draining for all of us.  And then I was alone and in charge of Wonderland (or at least that’s what it feels like).