Okay, so girl brain is on overload. My brain has exploded into a frenzy of activity and I feel like I have Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man living up there - he likes me, definitely, definitely likes me. "But whom?" - you may be asking yourself. And also, if you haven't already thought it, you should: what do you care if a guy likes you, aren't you on a year without sex? All very good questions. I've started a new job (remember, I'm a private contractor, I start new jobs a lot) and there happens to be a man there that is particularly attractive (in the handsome but dorky sort of way to which I find myself particularly drawn). At first I didn't take too much notice, but after a couple weeks of work, I feel like he might be flirting(?) / interested(?), oh, who knows?! I do know that every time I glance his way, he is staring back, and in my classic fashion, I get all flustered, blush and turn away. Yes, because I can't talk/interact/or even look at cute men. BUT... I'm on a year without sex and that is supposed to fix this. Well, turns out, that habit is much harder to break than expected. I'm also nearing the 2 months mark, which, if you refer to my Hypothesis, is my forecast breaking point (do I know myself or what?!).
So, Girl Brain is on overdrive; analyzing every little interaction - BALLS! It has highlighted distinct insecurities that I may have been aware of previously, but have never acknowledged or questioned why, so they have continued to plague my relationships and male interactions. Given the fact that according to this experiment, I can't actually follow through on pursuing anything with this handsome bloke at work (let's see how long I hold to that), it has given me new perspective on the situation. I consistently fear that the men I'm attracted to will not find me attractive in return and even more, I worry that if we don't move super quick, they will lose interest and find someone better. Does this scream self-esteem issue to anyone else? It's funny because, in general, I would say that I am a very confident and self-assured person, until it comes to romantic relationships and then, as evidenced by my behaviour and panic at the prospect, I feel like I'm the dirt beneath their feet and not worthy of their love. And for the therapists reading, that is the million dollar statement: I don't feel that I'm worthy of their love.
I get paranoid that because I'm having a bad hair day or I do something silly (read: embarrassing) they will lose interest. Here's the hard thing to remember: if they lose interest for that, I didn't really want them in the first place. A bad hair day is the least of the problems that "couples" face. I fear that if they see my scars they won't want to be with me, but warts and scars and flaws (inside and outside) are all part of what makes each of us who we are. They make us individual. I want someone in my life who loves my scars just as much as the rest. I am perfectly capable of loving someone, flaws and all, so it stands to reason that I should expect someone to do the same for me.
On the upside, this experiment has prevented me from chasing, which is my usual tactic for getting a guy interested. Since, I’m technically not supposed to be pursuing romantic relationships, I can’t actually make any effort to pursue a romantic relationship (novel concept, eh?!). This is always the part that gets me into trouble in the first place. I know with women’s lib and all that, as a woman, I should feel perfectly comfortable asking a guy out on a date. That’s great! (And trust me, I have! – Pretty much exclusively…) This has never worked out for me. Part of the problem with this scenario is that I really need a man in my life that is capable of taking the lead and who is stronger than me. So, if he is the kind of man that needs to wait around for the woman to make the first move, then he is probably not the man for me. I not only want, but deserve someone who is interested enough to ask me out. Simple as that. Now, putting this into practice has not gone over so well in the past. But again, hooray for this experiment! It has prevented me from trying to push for something that may only exist in my head (he may just be a really friendly co-worker) or force something to happen so fast that I end up getting scared and running (which is also something I do frequently). So, once again, it has been proven that this experiment seems to be working and having the intended effects on my dating life. So far: Therapy - 8, Me - ...8 as well!