Well, it’s been quite the ride so far. It was a crazy week. I think the new theme of this year is “even if I wanted to, I don’t have a second to think about sex.” It’s making the transition much easier. (Though, I do acknowledge that it is only week 2 – hardly anything to sneeze at yet!)
I’m still really liking the whole not dating thing. It’s really fulfilling in an unexpected way. I just never need to concern myself with what a partner might be thinking or feeling. After 31 years of having my Girl Brain running at full tilt, it’s nice to give it a vacation. The level of crazy has also decreased and I’m more able to let the crazy of other roll off my back.
Now, to totally contradict myself, there were nights this week that a nice friendly stress-release sexual encounter would not have gone amiss. My partner at work had a family emergency out of the country that took her away for the rest of the contract this past Thursday. That was a rough day. I felt terribly alone knowing she was gone. Most of the week was spent doing damage control and looking for a replacement (the project is way too big to do on my own). We managed to find someone to come in and cover the first 5 days and then another to cover the last 2.5 weeks. Though we found fantastic people to come in, it was not the same. My partner and I had done this contract together before and know the pitfalls, as well, we work incredibly well together. When she left, I had to step into her role, but still cover most of my own. She usually takes on the more hands on parts of the project and I deal with all the back-office things. It was quite the blow to have her leave. Not to mention how heart wrenching it was to watch her suffering the last few days she was here, frantically trying to prepare enough so I wouldn’t be left in a lurch, when she should have been with her family. All-in-all, it was very emotionally draining for all of us. And then I was alone and in charge of Wonderland (or at least that’s what it feels like).I feel like songs are going to play a large part in this experiment. I find that there is usually a song or two that I listen to on repeat when I am in any given mood. This week it has been Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell and The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston.
Both Sides Now has always been a song that is close to my heart. Joni (because we’re totally on a first name basis – not!) is one of my favourite musical artists of all time. Her songs penetrate to the core. The lyrics that particularly struck me this week were:
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I must admit I’ve been fortunate enough to have my fair share of fairy tales (some that would even make a romance novelist blush), but like all fairy tales – they come to an end. Recently, love has felt much like the second part of the verse “you leave ‘em laughing when you go”. Never showing your real emotions. This was basically how I felt ending things with Kryptonite. I put up a wall and laugh things off and make it seem like I don’t care so the men I’m with will never know how much it hurts when they don’t want to be with me. Barf! It hurts even admitting it here. Sure, I may seem like a chill awesome chick who doesn’t let things affect her, but that’s just what I want people to think. It doesn’t make it true. It is the mask I wear to protect myself from being hurt (but it doesn’t work).
On that subject, Kryptonite has been texting constantly since I left. Nothing intimate or personal, just jokes back and forth. Real buddy-buddy. I’m trying to let it not affect my day, but I still get excited every time I see a new message from him and I keep hoping that maybe he misses me, even just a little. I have become much better at separating my emotions from our friendship (and I hope that one day I’m cool with just being friends again)… that is, I’m fine until he goes and does something cute – then my heart is all a-flutter again and I can’t stop thinking about him. Grrr!!! Stupid Girl Brain!!!
But Kryptonite hasn’t been the only person occupying my attentions this week. I have been slightly overwhelmed by suitors (Read: 2). The Cole’s Notes version is:
- There was a co-worker that I am very close to on this contract: at dinner one night, he let me know that he had been thinking about me the entire year. Very flattering, but due to many factors (not the least that I’m not dating) we decided to remain close friends.
- The Local: we have been hanging out and he is determined to get me to sleep with him, but, once again, due to many factors (including the fact that open-relationship or no, he still has a girlfriend) I have resisted the temptation (even though he is super cute!). It is kind of nice to be chased after (even if it is by the absolute wrong kind of partner).
All-in-all, this whole experiment has prevented me from making some very bad decisions that I would have otherwise commonly made (like getting involved with The Local). Normally, I would have entered into a doomed relationship with the Local, hoping against hope that he would change his mind and fall madly in love with me and want to be with me instead of his girlfriend. Wow! Does this sound eerily similar to my entire time with Kryptonite?! Can you say PATTERN? This is why Greatest Love of All has been running through my head.
Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me
I have never found anyone to fulfill my needs and it is a lonely place to be – this is why this year is so important. I need to learn to depend on me. Oh, Whitney! You’re so smart! My therapist also happens to have the same opinion. It’s a tricky thing. Apparently, you have to learn to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you, but if you have never been shown what it is to love yourself, how do you ever figure it out? I’m hoping that the answer is just making time to do so. It seems to be going pretty well so far. Like it or not, I’m no longer desperately seeking male attention, so it does allow me more time sit and reflect on the things that I truly want and that will ultimately make me happy.
So, that’s week 2! Bring on week 3!