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Friday, 25 October 2013

COUNTDOWN BLUES #3

280 days left!  As I sit here in my hobbit-hole of an apartment and finish putting my clothes away for the day, more than anything I'm thankful for this time on my own.  I try to picture life living with another person and can't imagine it.  I love my little space with everything exactly where I want it.  I love making the food I want to eat (no matter how bizarre - tonight's dinner was zesty tuna salad on a bed of spicy baked beans and corn - let me know if you want any of the recipes).  This makes me wonder if maybe the reason I'm not having any luck with dating (obviously not currently, but previously) is because I don't truly want to be in a relationship.  Perhaps (crazy as it sounds) I'm just happy being on my own.  Now, I still miss the sex.  Boy, do I ever miss the sex.  But, maybe I'm not actually looking for a relationship.  While out to brunch with girlfriends, I would commonly remark that I wish I could find a monogamous sex partner, to which they would reply "that's a boyfriend".  But that's not what I mean.  I would be content having a really great male friend that has a ton of the same interests as me and who I sleep with 4 times a week (on average) and then we go about our separate lives in our separate apartments.  Maybe that is what dating is, but I want this with no pressure to progress any further (at least at this moment).  I like my life.  I'm not ready to get married or move in or have rules, limits or expectations put on me.  Who knows, maybe this is because I haven't met the right guy (or because it's "rainy season", so I'm not feeling particularly sexual). And we all know that as soon I meet a guy, I'll be planning the wedding in seconds.  I really wish that I could figure out how to turn off Girl Brain and just stay in this awesome state of appreciation for my independent life.  Maybe this would prevent me from turning all weird when faced with a potential mate.  And really, I'm pretty awesome (trust me, I spend a lot of time with my self)!  There is no reason that a man should not want to be with me, but when I meet one I'm attracted to, suddenly my brain turns to mush and I can't behave like a regular human being anymore.  Hopefully, this year will help me tame my Girl Brain enough that I can function around attractive men.  But, if not, I am considering a career as a professional crazy cat lady.  I'm on my way...  

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