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Saturday 31 May 2014


Only 2 months to go!!  TWO MONTHS!!!!  Holy crapballs!!!!  WOOOOOTTT!!!  It’s so hard to believe that this year is so close to being over.  I can still think back to when I started and it seemed near impossible to finish and now the end is in sight.  The countdown clock is now under 60 days!  Incredible.

This is coming none too soon as telephone poles are starting to look sexy.  Okay, maybe not, but it is the best example I can use for the overwhelming horniness I feel constantly.  Men have basically become slabs of meat in my eyes, like bacon – sweet tasty bacon, and all I want to do is devour them.  Mmmmm, bacon man… erm, I mean, nevermind.

Although this year has done amazing things for me personally (especially combined with the work of my amazing therapist), I feel like when this year is done, I need to take a month or two to just run wild a bit.  I say this now, but as the world has proven time and again, it is more likely that a curve ball will be thrown my way.  Anyhoo, the long and short is I can’t wait to get laid again!  I don’t know if it is because it is spring and the whole freakin’ world is mating or just because everyone in Canada is coming out of hibernation, but I’m like a dog in heat.  I thought it would be smooth sailing once I hit this point, but I think these last couple months are going to be the hardest.

On the up side, despite my raging hormones, I am able to keep Girl Brain mostly in check.  It still flares up sometimes, but the obsessiveness is gone.  I don’t have the energy for it anymore.  If I feel myself starting to obsess, it is like there is a new auto-shutdown switch that just says, “Ah, who cares?!” and then it is on to another thought.  Wonderful!  This has been really helpful because there have been a few attractive gents who have crossed my path lately and they are single, which, even at the start of this experiment, would not have stopped me from chasing, but I’m waaaayyy more chill now.  Screw that!  If they want me, they know where I am. 

This is a big change from 10 months ago, when I would plot and plan and find any way possible to be around the guy I liked.  Phew!  Thank goodness!  That was exhausting.  Now, if a guy shows interest in me, I reciprocate (well, as much as I can without actually dating – I’m so bad at this!).  I don’t jump feet first into the water and then get disappointed when the water is too shallow because it is too new to have any depth.  I guess my new motto is “take things slow”.

Taking things slow has pretty much permeated every aspect of my life.  From just walking down the street to relationships to work.  For someone ran through the first 30 years of life, it is a hard adjustment to make.  I have to count my steps when I walk to ensure I keep a steady pace.  It’s difficult to say the least.  The results have been remarkable.  I find that I am more in tune with the world.  When I stopped rushing, I started seeing.  There is time to look around now.  People always say, “take time to stop and smell the roses” and now I know what they mean.  Just take the time to look at the world around you.  Previously, I wouldn’t have even noticed that there were roses to smell.  When you take in the beauty all around you, it makes life seem a little less hard to live.

Tuesday 27 May 2014


So, I’ve been trying to write this for some time now.  I have so many different files open on my computer, all starting in a different way, it is unbelievable.  I couldn’t find the words.

I have never felt loved.  I’m no longer sure who reads this, so this statement may come as a shock or hurt some of those close to me, but it is the truth.

I have never experienced that unconditional type of love you hear parents have for their children.  In fact, the very thought of that is terrifying.  I push love away.  A very ugly side of me comes out when people try to get in and no one been able to see past that (I shouldn’t say no one, there are a few, but even to these people I have trouble showing the truly damaged side of me – they live on the other side of a wall). 

Recently, I have been privileged to be part of a therapy group comprised of some of the most remarkable individuals I could ever imagine.  In a very very short period of time I have come to trust and care for them deeply.  Now, I am pushing them away.  I fear that they are not as sincere as they seem.  In truth, I can’t comprehend that they could possibly be as sincere as they seem.  I can’t figure out what it is they want from me.  That’s the crux of it – what do they want?  What price am I to pay in return for their support and love?  I don’t like going into situations unless I know I can afford the toll.