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Wednesday 19 November 2014


So, after taking a year off dating, sex and all things romantic, I was super excited to get back in the game!  I had all this new knowledge and understanding that I couldn’t wait to put to work.  Little did I know that there was so much learning yet to be done.  I equate it to studying statistics in school, then getting a job and having to apply that learning in the real world.  There is still so far to go!  Mainly, I think you learn all the things you don’t know.

Since August, I have been dating.  It has been interesting.  I had a little bit of a relapse into Girl Brain while pursuing things with the first gentleman, the Russian.  He and I had been working together and he showed interest and was pretty insistent about chasing me, until I reciprocated and then he disappeared and I dropped back into my normal patterns of obsessing and chasing.  That is, until The Blue Fairy came up and talked me down.  It was a bad scene, but I got over quite quickly, faster than ever before and most importantly, I could see it happening and knew it had to change.  Nothing came of it.  We were from different parts of the country and we parted amicably.  It wasn’t the right relationship for me, but I was just so excited to be a participant in the dating world instead of an observer, I lost all sense of myself (that, and I was super horny, let’s face it!). 

After that, I tried online dating.  It was okay.  I was seeing one guy for a while, but we discovered that we were looking for different things.  I also learned a bunch about how I need to go about forming a relationship with someone.  I still have a lot of work to do on trust and acceptance of kindness.  When it comes to forming a romantic relationship, I need to move at a pace slightly slower than molasses on a cold winter’s day.  I still have training wheels on and was trying to ride a big-girl bike.

Thursday 6 November 2014


Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and was extremely happy with the person I saw.  I showered just before bed, so my hair looked like something out of a zombie movie, I have a zit that has been slowing growing into a mountain to the right of my nose with no signs of slowing and I still have much of the weight that I have gained over the past year, but I looked at myself and thought, “you look freakin’ fantastic!”  It was a nice way to wake up.

The past couple weeks have been really difficult.  Two weeks ago in group therapy, one of the therapists that runs the group (not my regular one) brought up some deep emotional trauma but then did not take the time to deal with it properly and I was left an emotional wreck until last night.  It has been rough because I was still working on the road for the majority of the time and didn’t have anywhere I could turn for grounding.  I fought through, but I felt like I was flying a million miles away – something that I haven’t experienced much in the past year.  It sucked.