Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and was extremely happy with the person I saw. I showered just before bed, so my hair looked like something out of a zombie movie, I have a zit that has been slowing growing into a mountain to the right of my nose with no signs of slowing and I still have much of the weight that I have gained over the past year, but I looked at myself and thought, “you look freakin’ fantastic!” It was a nice way to wake up.
The past couple weeks have been really difficult. Two weeks ago in group therapy, one of the therapists that runs the group (not my regular one) brought up some deep emotional trauma but then did not take the time to deal with it properly and I was left an emotional wreck until last night. It has been rough because I was still working on the road for the majority of the time and didn’t have anywhere I could turn for grounding. I fought through, but I felt like I was flying a million miles away – something that I haven’t experienced much in the past year. It sucked.
Last night was great because I returned to group after essentially four months away and was able to release the emotion through a rage hold (when the group holds you down and you struggle to get free – you can read about some of the exercises here). I vomited – shock, surprise! It was a big one. The crazy thing about this kind of therapy is how much you discover your body stores emotion and trauma of which you may not even be aware. This morning my body feels like I went through a boxing match. Every muscle is sore. I did have ten people holding me down for ten minutes while I tried with all my might to fight them off. Though I do feel a million pounds lighter. Whatever it was that I was storing, I had been holding onto it for a long time.
The thing I’m particularly proud of, is that I didn’t let those emotions cripple or hinder me over the two weeks I had to sit with them. Sure, the first couple days were rough and I made more mistakes at work than I ever do, but I was able to deal and carry on. But my writing didn’t suffer during that time. That is how I know that I’m making progress. When I feel those extreme emotions, my writing is usually the first thing to fall by the wayside, but it didn’t. I wouldn’t let it. I had things I had to do and I pushed forward. There is some crazy new strength in me now that I’m only just discovering. It’s great.
While I was working out in Edmonton, I went to a Rolfer. What’s a Rolfer, you say? Good question. I had no idea either, but a co-worker swore by him, so I decided to try it. Rolfing is a practice of massaging your nerves and flossing them through the routes they move to clear anything that might be blocking their flow (not the scientific definition, just how I came to understand the practice). My therapist has always told me that my hips are locked. I can’t move them to save my life. I had never realized it, but it was true. It is weird, but did more for me than any massage ever has. I’m completely converted.