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Monday 14 September 2015


There are times I wish I had pictures of our last good day.  It’s nothing particularly special.  It was nothing worthy of capturing on document for eternity, but in my mind, it is imprinted – forever.  When I think about him, these are the moments I go to.  The countless pictures on file tell a shell of a story, but all the moments I wish I could replay live only in my memory. 

Our last good day, we locked the door to our house only to open it late at night for the sushi delivery man.  We smoked weed and drank beer and played some Wario game that reminded me of Mario Party, but I had never played Mario Party, so maybe Mario Party reminded me of whatever this Wario game was.  Maybe that’s the reason I ended up loving Mario Party so much; it always reminded me of our last really good day.  We did nothing.  We didn’t exist in the world.  Our world was the walls of our apartment and nothing could come in and we had no desire to go out.  We laughed.  It was just us.  Nothing could touch us.  We laughed and were weird and silly. 

This memory came flooding back to me tonight.  It hurts more than words can express.  Sometimes you think all the pain you can feel has flowed out of your veins, only to be caught off guard by a sudden flash of happiness you can barely remember.

I tried many times to recreate moments like this, but it doesn’t work.  They come out of the blue. So fast that you can barely recognize them until they are done.  The only way to preserve them is to live them.  That’s why they are usually the nothing moments.  Those moments that don’t really mean anything until they do.  Our last really great day was a nothing day.  It was a lazy day.  It was a day that neither of us really felt like doing anything much at all.  It was a day when I was met.

It’s all a little bit foggy, but I’m pretty sure this day fell during my great depression.  It was near the end and okay days were hard to find, good days were far between.  I did not want to face the world on my best days.  This was a day I felt understood.  I didn’t want to acknowledge the world existed.  I just wanted my shelter.  A refuge from life… and for one day I was granted it.  It was a really terrific day. 

Sometimes it catches me off guard that the tears still flow so strong.  Mourning is a tricky process.  With the dissolution of any relationship, there is loss.  The tragedy of love without a flame.  Some losses are easier to bear, but some haunt you long after you think you have left them behind.  Tonight it is the memory of our last good day.  It was really a simple, simply lacklustre, good ol’ boring, magical, wonderful day.  I wish I had a picture.