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Monday, 8 December 2014

THIS WEEK IN THERAPY: LETTING GO

After a sudden re-emergence of Kryptonite, some happy thoughts about The Ex, a sex dream about Kryptonite and then waking up to the image of The Ex and his new girlfriend at the top of my Facebook feed, I’m beginning to realize that yet again, my therapist may be correct: I’m beginning to let go.
(Cue music from Frozen)

In my session with my therapist, I described some of the memories of The Ex that I had been having.  She asked how I felt and I said happy.  They were good memories.  I didn’t feel that longing that I had felt for years.  No part of me missed my Ex.  There was actually no missing at all.  It was just a happy thought.  She explained that often when we’re really ready to start letting go of the past, happy memories, sex dreams, etc. come flooding back.  I guess because we don’t need the anger and pain to protect ourselves anymore.  It’s good to have some of the happy memories back.  There were lots of good times and I cherish that part of the relationship.  I was also happy that the thoughts were not accompanied by a need for reconciliation, as she said often happens with people.  They think of it as a sign that they should be together when it is actually the opposite.  It is a sign that they are ready to move on. 

I had a realization this morning in the shower.  I thought about conversations that The Ex and I used to have about marriage and he would say “I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you.”  I used to take this as a forever phrase, and only now, over 5 years later, I realize this is not what I wanted at all.  At the time, I would have thought it was the best I could get, but luckily, I now see that I’m worth so much more.  I don’t want someone who ‘can see spending the rest of their life with me’, I want someone who ‘cannot see the rest of their life without me’.  It might be an argument of semantics and the phrase I prefer is simply the double negative version of the first, but it makes a difference.  Anyone can picture the rest of their life with anyone else.  It’s sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always possible.  I want someone who cannot imagine a life without me in it.  It’s a small difference, but an important one. 

Through therapy, I’m realizing that these small distinctions are essential in how we perceive the world.  How we phrase things actually reveals more about our thoughts and intentions than we intend.  I don’t want to fit the mould of what my partner thinks their mate should be.  I want to be the person that opens a space in his heart that he never knew was there.

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