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Thursday, 14 January 2016

BLAST FROM THE PAST: THURSDAY, JANUARY 13, 2011 - 11:54PM

Recently, I have been reading some of my old scrawlings from before I began my road to healing.  It has helped me understand how far I have come.  As a new feature on this blog, I will share some of these journals from the past that really describe the where I came from.

The first is from 5 years and one day ago, to the hour.  I am blown away at how opposite life feels now.  This entry epitomizes my journey.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 13, 2011 - 11:54pm
Each day I sit down at my computer.  To procrastinate.  I am so afraid of the future, it has become paralyzing.  Even when it stands before me, a hopeful shining beacon.  I am being dragged forward kicking and screaming by time.  I sit and wonder how I let fear become the most powerful force in my life.  I used to have such drive and motivation.  It all faded away in my years of waiting and now I am afraid.  My heart aches and I don't know if I can handle failure or rejection... or success.  Pain and solitude have become so welcome and familiar that I don't know how to live without them.  The thoughts of returning to China keep coming to mind, but I don't know what I hope to find there.  What I left behind has vanished with the passing of time.  My fairy tale is over and I should continue to look forward and not back.  The past couple of years have beaten me so, that I am weary and weathered.  My thoughts are scrambled and I find it hard to focus each day.  I go through the motions and appear where I am expected, but in body only.  Artificial happiness is all that comforts me now.  Or, as was pointed out, artificial numbness.  The absence of feeling, it is close enough to happiness to suit me.  To get me through the long and lonely days.  It does not battle the fear but it eases the pain of the solitude.  Perhaps it is the winter and being unemployed again (well, unemployed-ish!)  I do have many things to be thankful for, but I still find myself down in the doldrums.  There is the part of me that feels determined to make this year the best one yet and the following even better.  I will accomplish all my dreams.  I just need to keep persevering.  It becomes hard when it seems like the world is beating you down from all sides.  I wish people could see the pain inside.  I wish they could see the amount of will it takes just to get out of bed each day, just to wake up.  My heart is bleeding out and just when I think that I have mended some of the wounds, a fresh and deeper cut comes quickly and often unexpectedly.  Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibility.  I will try to take advantage of each one.  Oh, I also have to add, Thanks be to God!  His miracles never cease to amaze me each and every day.

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