My ex got engaged.
This is the last axe that needed to fall to sever all attachment. It’s strange, because he has been in my
dreams lately, which I know signifies a release or letting go of
attachment. I must have felt this
coming, so I was already in a state of release when this news hit.
Some people might say, “It’s been six years, how are you
still not over this.” But that is the
thing with emotions and relationships, you don’t just “get over them.” Sometimes emotions coming flooding back
unexpectedly, and you need to process them, otherwise there is no release and
they will lie in the shadows waiting to strike at any time. There is no statute of limitations on how
long it take to process emotion. You
just have to let it run its course.
I read the news on Facebook last night and it struck
me. It took a while to process what I
was feeling. I went into shock. I felt numb and electric all at the same
time. My first response was to email my
therapist. I needed to be witnessed in
this. It was late and I knew she
wouldn’t receive it until the morning, but I needed to send out a white flag –
I need extra support and my therapist tends to be my first responder.
It was hard to get to sleep after that. All the feelings of the break-up and being
made to feel unworthy came flooding over me.
The betrayal I felt from friends after we split. The loneliness. The abandonment. I let the feelings consume me and bawled on
and off for the better part of an hour.
I also cut all the remaining ties to that part of my
life. (Aka, a cleansing of Facebook
friends.) Not that I don’t still care
for those people, but because I need a clean break. I need to not be reminded of that part of my
life for a while. It no longer serves
me. For some people it was hard. I love them personally, but I need to step
away and make room for those who play for Team AJ.
By the time I woke, I had forgotten the entire situation
(Bless Sleep!). It wasn’t until I saw an
email from my therapist that I remembered.
Well, the moment of respite was wonderful, but back to mourning. I sat for a bit and cried. I called a couple friends. First, one of my best girlfriends, who knew
my ex and I and who had gone through a similar split, so she could understand
the lingering emotions of the end of an important relationship. Then, a friend who helped me work through
much of my emotions regarding my ex.
Then a little more crying and some cuddles with the cat.
Now, I’m writing. The
thing I am most happy about in this entire situation is how well I am able to
process the emotions. While chatting
with friends today, I described it as sailing.
I know how to captain my own ship now.
I can ride the waves of emotion and chart a course that will get me to
safe harbours during a storm. I no
longer get overcome and drown in the emotion, struggling to keep my head above
water. I’m not adrift at sea, waiting to
be rescued. I have a boat and I know how
to sail.
After being away from therapy for a while and facing some
major emotional challenges, I have been thinking that I am reaching a point
where I don’t need regular therapy any more.
I am okay. I have the tools I
need to ask for the support I need and capability to receive it. I won’t shrink and hide any longer. I can also name and understand the emotions I
am feeling and navigate them accordingly without denying or repressing
them. I may be ready to be therapy-free,
which is ultimately the goal!
Despite the emotions I’m experiencing, it is quite
rewarding. Even through the mourning, I
can’t help but feel proud of myself for dealing with it so well. For taking care of my needs and not denying
my emotions by thinking “get over it already” or “you should be past this by
now.’’ By exercising self-care and
compassion. For showing myself the love
I give to others.
Too often, we bully ourselves into thinking our feelings
are wrong, so we push them aside and don’t address them. That’s when they are left to grow into
neuroses. We become accustom to ignoring
them, so we don’t see when those past hurts that we left unresolved start
directing our actions. As a society, we
have put expectations on “sucking it up” and “bouncing back.” We don’t have the tools to allow for the
appropriate time to grieve. We try to
“fix” the issue, when some things just can’t be fixed. We become uncomfortable “sitting in the
shit.” We want to clean it up and make
it better.
That doesn’t solve anything. Your feelings need to take up the space they
take for as long as it takes for you to work through and heal. We need to start viewing emotional wounds as
we do physical. If someone breaks their
arm, you don’t complain that the person is still wearing a cast two weeks later. The bone takes the time it take to heal and
if you rush it, it just makes the injury worse.
Emotional trauma is the same. If
you have been badly hurt, it will take a long time to get back to normal, and
even then, things may not fully heal and you may have to deal with residual
effects of the damage.
There have been many days that I have wished for the last
of this attachment to die away, but it wasn’t time yet. Then, one night, after a lovely thanksgiving
dinner, you are sitting in your bed, stuffing and pie swirling in your belly, a
contented grin on your face, and it hits you: the time is now. Here are all the remaining things you’ve been
clinging to and it is time to let them go.
You don’t want to at first. It hurts
as one by one, you release, but at the end of the next day, you are calm. There is a new peace; you feel free. You still feel a little raw from the gaping
hole that is left behind the exodus, but the scar tissue that forms is clean
and strong, and in time, it will fade to nothing.
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