I’m losing track of time.
My Facebook reminded me today that it was time to celebrate the anniversary
of My Year Without Sex. I can hardly remember when it started. My life is as polar opposite as it possibly
could be… in all the best ways. It has
now been four years since I started this whole journey. Back then, I felt as broken and lost as any
person could. Now, I’m whole, confident and
happy. I have a sense of where I’m
sailing, but more than anything, I’m just happy to be on the water at the helm
of my own ship. I’m at peace.
Two pretty big events have occurred recently. Firstly, I finished the initial draft of my first
novel. The biggest struggle was
overcoming the voices in my head that told me I can’t. It took me nearly six months to tackle the
final fifteen thousand words and three months to do the first eighty-five
thousand. There was a block. I couldn’t do it. Finally, I gave myself a drop dead date of
the July 31st. If I didn’t
finish by then, I was never going to do it.
That set the stage for the final battle with myself. Did I give up on myself? Did I give in to the voice saying it was just
a pipe dream? Fortunately, I wasn’t
ready to lay down and die just yet and I pumped out the last fifteen thousand in
four days, like I was possessed. I came
through for me. That was the lesson that
became really clear this week – I can always count on me. That’s nice to know. It’s hard to know.
The second major event, is that I have a boyfriend. For real!! For purposes of this blog, I will call him
Angus. He is wonderful. And everything happened at the right time and
everything has been really simple… for the most part – battling personal demons
aside, but I will get into those in another post. I’m so unbelievably happy that it is almost
too much to bear… almost…
Which brings me to last night, when I had the strangest
dream…
I dreamed that I had an affair with The Ex and got
pregnant with his child. I talked to him
about it and he said he wanted to keep it.
We began living together with the child.
I waited around the apartment with the child for him to come home. When he finally did arrive, he was carrying a
pair of ladies’ boots. I knew that they
belonged to another woman and confronted him.
He said he didn’t choose this life and he wasn’t going to give up what
he wanted to play house with me. I was
devastated. I began screaming and beating
on his chest, while screaming “I didn’t choose this. You said you wanted this. I gave up Angus for you. All I want is to love you.” – That was pretty
much when I woke up.
I haven’t had a nightmare in quite some time, but that
was the closest I come these days. When
I woke, my chest was tight and I was panting.
Even recalling it makes my chest seize up. It took a couple minutes to see the many
meanings within the dream.
As I’ve said before, dreams about former lovers often
signify a release of emotion. In the
past year or so, all my dreams involving The Ex have ended with me telling him
off or running away from him. All I can
gather from this is that my subconscious is working out all the things I wish I
had the opportunity to say in person, but likely never will. Therefore, they happen in the
dreamscape. This dream plays to the
feelings of abandonment I experienced by The Ex’s unwillingness to commit to
the relationship.
It also brings up my feelings of unworthiness. In the dream, I left a happy situation to be
with a man who didn’t appreciate me. I
think that was the scariest part of the dream – the idea that I gave up Angus
to be with The Ex. Just thinking about
it brings tears to my eyes. There is a
part of me that struggles with the fact that life is so good right now. Whether it is waiting for the other shoe to
drop or wondering how one person can possibly possess so much joy, I can’t say,
but there is a weight to all this happiness that terrifies me.
The one thing I take away from these dreams is that I
never back down. I always stand up and
fight. I may never stop fighting these
battles in my mind. I may never fully
heal all those old wounds. But I know
that I will never stop trying. I will
fight for myself.
While trying to finish this post, I kept thinking: so
what? What does this all have to do with anything? I think the greatest thing that I’ve learned
over these past four years is that nothing comes without sacrifice. The new joy I have found in this new
relationship brings the letting go of old dreams. The success I have found in work, has meant
that I miss out on other life events, as I type this in my office while two of
my dearest friends are getting married miles away. I’ve had to let go of dear relationships that
turned toxic along the way. Make choices
about what’s best for me, even if it was the harder path. With all the joy I’ve found, there has always
been a price to pay. I guess, that’s why
it is always important to know yourself, otherwise, you may discover that the
price you pay is too high for what you get.
One of the things I realized when reflecting back over those years I
spent lost at sea, I came to realize, back then, I was so afraid to lose that I
didn’t realize what it cost me to stay.
I’ll never pay that price again.
That’s what this journey has taught me.
I choose me.
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