Well, I’ve survived the first week! Woo-hoo! But, really... let’s save the celebration. Even when I’ve been in relationships, I’ve gone more than a week, so it’s not really that big an accomplishment, except when you consider my natural reaction to have a random sexual encounter to make myself feel better after ending a relationship (or fling, we’re calling it a fling... hrumph!).
Luckily, I have been swamped with work this past week with hardly a moment to even think about writing, let alone sex. Though, opportunity has presented itself. I’m in town for no less than 48 hours before I happen across some very attractive eligible men who happen to be building a cottage in the area - *swoon*. I happen to have a weakness for men who can build things – hence Kryptonite. So, I get chatting with these locals and we hit it off. Anyhoo, the night ends with a bunch of us drinking in the park until all hours of the morning. Eek! I did make it home safely and did not even crack by giving any of these attractive men a smooch. The gentleman who I was most attracted to (henceforth referred to as “The Local”) has a girlfriend (ooo! emotionally unavailable – of course! It’s like I have special radar). Despite this fact, he has not seen his girlfriend in about 6 months and seemed rather excited about the prospect of another lady in town. Thankfully for me, this is as much information as I need to keep The Local at arm’s length.
What I have learned this week is that I’m worth way more than someone’s side candy. That just isn’t going to fly with me anymore. It’s amazing what can happen when you start acting with your head instead of your vagina (yes, boys, a girl’s brain can be controlled by her carnal urges as well). It’s just not worth it. I’ve been there. At the end of the day, you end up walking home feeling gross and slightly worse about yourself. Then you want to do it all over again to feel better, but it never works and you never learn.
A confession: I still talk to Kryptonite pretty much all day, every day. This was rough for the majority of last week, but I think I’m moving towards a place where I can be comfortable with just being friends again. Fingers crossed. Yes, the majority of the voices in my head probably have the same opinion you do, “sure, sure... you’re kidding yourself!” I’m aware of this, but I came across a quote (I love quotes) that really stuck with me the other day and I have been trying to keep it in mind:
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” – Buddah-
The part that I have been focusing on is: “how to gracefully let go of things not meant for me.” This is an area that has challenged me for... oh, ever! “Graceful” would not be the word I would use to describe the way I let go of anything. Awkwardly. Psychotically. Embarrassingly. Yes. Gracefully, no. I would like to be someone who can gracefully let things go. It’s my new goal. So far, I’ve been fairly graceful with Kryptonite and would love to continue the trend. Throughout the entire situation I have done a fairly good job at keeping my crazy girl brain under wraps (for the first time ever). At this point in my life, I have had enough experiences that, with proper reflection, I can say things will turn out okay. I get so caught up in the moment and so scared that I will never find anyone else that I can’t see the possibility that lies ahead and end up making a fool out of myself. I cling desperately to people that I shouldn’t just because I’m terrified to be alone.
I’m reminded of a time that I went on a “date-ish” with a guy that I had a super crush on (who happened to be my manager at work, but I had just given my notice). The evening was fun and we gave each other a hug goodbye and said that we should do it again. As I was walking away, I thought “I should have kissed him!” WARNING: Girl Brain Take Over!!! I lost all sense and control. Girl brain is the worst! I turned around and ran after him. Luckily, he had turned a corner and was out of sight. Even Girl Brain had enough sense not to go running aimlessly through the streets to look for him... why run through the streets when I could easily call him?! Girl brain dials the phone. It’s ringing. It’s ringing. WARNING: Systems all clear. Girl Brain no longer in control. FUDGE!!! Why am I on the phone?! Why am I calling him? What was I planning on saying – “Hey come back so I can kiss you”? Hang up. Hang up!! – He answers. FUUUDDDGGGE!!!!! After an awkward couple second conversation where I say, “Hey, I had fun, we should do this again!” (Which, for the attentive readers, was the last thing we said before we parted about 3 minutes ago.) He sounds very confused as to why I have called and politely agree and hangs up. The following week (though more like month) was filled with me sending him random texts about getting together that he declined and random Facebook messages. The advent of social networking has not been a boon to crazy girl brain. After a while (much longer than I care to admit), I let go of the hope of developing a relationship with Mr. Manager. I had sufficiently made an ass out of myself and destroyed every last shred of dignity that may have made me attractive previously. I moved on. I wish I could say this is the only example of this type of crazy girl brain fuelled behaviour, but alas, it is more common than not.
After a single week, I’m feeling very positive about my ability to not let crazy girl brain destroy whatever friendship is left with Kryptonite (but I have yet to prevent it from checking the phone obsessively for messages, but at least that is my own private psychosis). As well, being able to discern that pursuing things with The Local is a bad idea makes me feel like I might be able to overcome some of my bad relationship habits (though, I’m more than happy to keep him and his buddies as friends in town to hang out with – let’s see how that goes...). Perhaps I’m being too optimistic too early, but only time will tell.
On to week 2...