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Sunday, 8 September 2013

SUNDAY NIGHT, COUPLES NIGHT

For the first time in this experiment, I felt the pang of loneliness creep in.  So far, I’ve been feeling really great about not seeking any romantic interest.  I’ve had an amazing time and developed some really great relationships.  Tonight, though...  Tonight I was grocery shopping and apparently that is the “it” thing to do on a Sunday night if you are in a couple.  The store was filled with cute 20-30 something couples in their finest Lulu scrubs walking up and down the aisles hand in hand.  I felt very out of place suddenly.  Everywhere I turned there was another couple discussing meals for the coming week or which peanut butter they should get (the eternal relationship debate: crunchy or smooth?).  Here I was, all on my own.  No one told me that it was couples hour!

It was here I realized that this was one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship: the intimacy of monotonous everyday activities.  When I was “not-dating” Kryptonite, some of my favourite moments were the stupid little routine activities; brushing our teeth together before bed, the argument over who turns out the lamp, or the cup of tea in the morning.  Oh sure, we did a lot of wonderful things and he was great at making a girl feel special, but that’s not what I love the most.  I love the little things that couples do together.  The intimate moments that never get brought up at girls’ night; the things that are boring to talk about and boring to listen to – “Oooo, you’ll never believe what Kryptonite and I did last night, we brushed our teeth before bed!  Isn’t that romantic?!”  No.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not special.  In fact, it is the most special of all.  It is one of those things that have no value to anyone else; that’s what makes something special (at least to me).  Most of the things that are of the most importance in my life would hold no value to an outsider: my 29 year old teddy bear with more patches than I can count, my boxes and boxes of photos, my bible that is falling apart, my cat – none of these things would fetch more than a stick of gum at auction, but to me, they are worth the world. 

This is how I feel about relationships; it’s not the big things that make the difference, it is the little things: like grocery shopping on a Sunday night.  I guess this is why there was such a pang of longing as I saw all the couples walking through the store.  I wondered if they appreciated the beauty of the intimacy they were sharing?  Do they realize that those are the moments that you miss the most when they are gone?  That was the trouble with The Ex, we didn’t have a lot of those routines.  Even though we lived together for years, we almost still lived apart.  We existed more as roommates than a couple.  And maybe that’s where the longing comes from – never really having that closeness with a partner (even though that is what I wish for most desperately). 

Anyway, I have a feeling that PMS may be playing a part in these feelings.  I don’t want to discard the overall emotion by chalking it up to hormones, but I do think this maybe amplifying my feelings a bit.  Gah! I say.  Gah!!!  This monthly curse!  It always makes it so hard to distinguish the root of my sentimentality.  Alas, there is nothing I can do about it (though chocolate and wine – help?  make it better?  give a placebo effect of happiness?). 

So, in short, I’m six weeks in and still going (strong?).  Updates about weeks 2-6 will be coming shortly.  As I described to my therapist (whom I’m extremely glad to be seeing again!), I feel I fell down the rabbit hole and spent a few weeks in Wonderland and have now returned to reality.  It feels like I’ve been in a dream (probably why this whole experiment has been going so well).  I’ll write details soon.

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